Friday, July 15, 2011
♥ hatred.
I love photos cuz that's the only wonderful thing that stays when everything changed.
Im seriously looking for a job and yet cant find any. Thank you loh. Meeting my darling often cuz Idk where t go already. Sing is really so so small. Nway, walked around vivo th day before yest. And I like the feeling of being alone at times shopping around even though I dint spend a single cent over there, surprisingly. Ohnoo, I did. I went Giant t get some food t cook at home. But not on clothes etc. Good girl me! But yah, walked around myself, realize that time is really running too fast for me t catch up. It's been sucha long time since I gave time t myself, be it just walking around or sitting by seaside doing nothing. I never leave any space/time for myself since I really dont know how long ago. Though I always like accompany, but there are still times I wished t be alone. Thinking and reflecting back all those times again. Im lost. I dont know what that feeling really was. But all I know, I want that moment alone again. It's better t be alone at times t see what I really want in life. I've really wasted my whole 19 years of life. I admit, but nevertheless, I had a fruitful and really unforgettable one. I wanna go picnic soon! I never had those family picnic at all before, nono, I never had family day before let alone family picnic. I wished Im 2 -3years old. Remembered how my dad and mom would bring me out cuz I was young. But then, I knew, its becuz of me. But now, never anymore.
Dad, whats a daddy for? I never had the chance t call you this. Yes I know its me. I never need this chance at all. Ever since, had you done anything t show that you love, care or even an example of a daddy t me? Your mindset was just t give me money t buy all I want, need. And you thought by doing so, I would call you " dad " for once or listen t you. But No. I hated you deep in me for all those shits you did and gave me. But somehow, I know I still treated you as my father. But not anymore when the moment you proved me wrong. Your concern was never for me, your sight of me was gone since I was in sec2 -3. You thought by giving me credit card, cash, money can get all I want. Your mindset of me was treating you as a ATM. I din't. But now, Yes. You're just my portable ATM. Other then money issues, we doesnt have any topics anymore. And I remember vividly, how long did I take t pluck my courage t call you on father's day 2years back. I wanted for you t close your shop and treated you food. I saw you smiling. And that was the first and ever time I celebrated father's day w you. Though just a short meal at coffeeshop, yet you're rushing back t see her. And that was the time when I told myself, " wake up, Shirley. He doesnt needs you. " That was really the first and the last time. Thank you for proving me right each and everytime. Whenever Im in trouble or met any accident, you always thought I was faking it or whatsoever, and asked those nasty stuffs. But do you know, all I want is your conern. But you never did. Till I told you, " even if you were t die, I'd never carry your photo or even wear that square thing on me. " And I really mean it. This is a very harsh sentence and I never thought I did say it out. You made me say this. I should not at all as a daughter. Never should. But Im sorry, my father died since the day I was born. You told me this sentence, yourself. I will never forget. And the scar you left in me. You have 4daughters. But dont forget, IM YOUR ONLY REAL BLOOD DAUGHTER. But you never seems t need me. I've done so much t let you know I wanted you as my father. You never noticed. You made me cried at your stall, remember? That only drop of tear that rolled down my cheeks infront of you, washed everything of US away. If you've noticed, from this incident onwards, I've never step into your stall anymore. I hate t see her, I hated more t even see you. You causes all these today. We never had a chance t sit down and talk properly. NEVER. In this whole 19years, our topic was only money and still money. Nothing else. You never need me. Never. So am I. I've been fatherless for this whole 19years. And Im very used t it. Remember, you're just a ATM t me. And one day you were t stop giving me money, I wont beg you for it either. Either you give or keep it for your women. And, I hate you more than anything.
